


Syrup's 100% accurate Canadian history

by SyrupKhan



Category: Geography (Anthropomorphic)
Genre: F/F, F/M, I am a Canadian if you're wondering, a lot of swearing, like I mean A LOT, take none of this seriously, the OOC was purely so I could keep track of where I was but I like it too much to cut it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:00:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26953999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SyrupKhan/pseuds/SyrupKhan
Summary: This is not serious at all but I just wanted to make a dumbass Canadian history
Relationships: Canada/Netherlands (Hetalia)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	Syrup's 100% accurate Canadian history

Aight first we start with this motherfucker the Iroquois. They were pretty chill not gonna lie but then England and France showed up (Norway had a kid named Vinland with one of these tribes but the kid died of plot irrelevance). France had a kid with another tribe called the Huron, which produced New France. England was fucking around, married Scotland, and from that problematic union was born GB. France goes through another form, and then she gets into a slap fight with GB and loses, and has to give up the custody of her kid New France. 

GB was pretty chill but like five seconds after New France (now called Quebec) moved in with them America chucked a molotov at GB’s head and they had to find a neighbour who could babysit Quebec and was willing to. 

The Iroquois were like “eh fuck it I’m not doing anything this week” and so GB went to discipline America (called the Thirteen Colonies at the time) with a gun or three only to be football tackled by France and Spain. But that’s a whole other tale. The Iroquois meanwhile were teaching Canada all about things like Democracy and Human Rights. Anyways America managed to break free of GB and get his own place. 

GB was like “you know what fuck it I don’t like you anyways” and went to go beat the revolution of France. 

America pulled out a switchblade and was like “Have you heard of Manifest Destiny?” And Quebec screamed and broke a chair over his head. That actually scared America off and he left her to be a colony and went off to go beat up Mexico or something IDK I don’t pay attention to American history. 

Anyways after Britain and France’s fight they actually ended up getting married after Britain saved France from being eaten by Prussia. Then Quebec tried to yeet herself out of GB’s household like America but that went markedly less well. Prussia started going buckwild and beating the absolute SHIT out of France so GB had to pay close attention and during that Canada was like “dad can I be independent” and GB was like “What? Oh uh sure just like come visit on Thanksgiving or something” and Canada was like “great” and went off to go do nonos to natives. Then the German Empire came onto the scene and actually looked like he’d take over Europe. 

The situation was tense but Serbia shot AH in the eye, making her blind. AH was like “C’mere you little shit” To which RUSSIA was like “Oh no you don’t” To which the German Empire was like “Oh no YOU don’t” and then France got involved and then the Germans stabbed Belgium and suddenly Canada was off to war! 

First three years were kinda boring nonsense but then Britain was like “Guess what we’re doing an assault!” And most of that didn’t go well. But I want to paint this kinda cool image because fuck you Vimy Ridge is the Verdun of Canada. 

France was locked in a death struggle with the German Empire. Swords pressed, they held each other in an embrace that would’ve been sweet, if France wasn’t bleeding. She was determined to not let him a step further, and he wanted her dead. But France was still weak from their last bout, and she slipped in the mud, falling. And the German Empire moved forwards. Next came Great Britain. He tried to keep the Empire back with gunfire, but trying to handle him and the Ottomans did not go well. Soon, Britain was falling too. Germany laughed. Paris would be his in a day! But- wait, who was that? Canada had been told to stay back, to hide. She couldn’t handle the Reich, both of her parents had told her. But both had fallen, Russia had fallen, Belgium was falling. She was the only one who could stop him. So Canada closed her eyes. She breathed in. The last bastion of democracy. Breathed out. Child of Britain, France, and the Iroquois. Breathed in. The last line between the German Empire and victory. Breathed out. Her hand gripped the hilt of her sword, and she drew it. With a soft whump, the blade burst into flames, and Canada opened her eyes. The German Empire looked shocked. Scared, almost. “Like my mother said,” Canada snarled, shifting to a two handed grip with the sword in front of her, one of the first moves she’d been taught. “You shall not pass.” And will a yell, she burst into motion, sword swinging at her foe. 

OK back to memery. 

After beating the Germans six ways from Sunday, the Americans showed up and rolled up ol Reichy. Canada hung back at the peace treaty and was just happy to be included. Then she went home and back to being a quiet country and a death goddess in secret. The 20s happened, a pretty good time for Canada ngl. Then everything went to hell in 1929, and the Great Depression started. Canada didn’t have the best time and also tried to get rid of communism. Then Germany tried for round two of evil empire and leveled up to TR. TR has his own badness and history but I don’t care about it because this is Canadian history not German. But then TR tried to eat Poland only to have France and Britain FINALLY go “Hold the fuck up buckaroo” but TR didn’t care and ate half of Poland while the Soviets ate the other half. France and Britain still tried to kill TR and for the first time, Canada declared war separately from GB! 

The first half of the war didn’t go great as TR merced France five minutes in and took her prisoner and also killed the Netherlands, Belgium, and Luxembourg. Britain held out though! Japan and Italy got involved but overall that doesn’t matter because Italy was a moron and Japan had… other nations they wanted dead. One of those was America! (Sidenote, Canada and Japan had one fight over Canada protecting her little brother Hong Kong but Japan was a much better swordfighter than Canada and kicked her ass) TR was like “what could possibly go wrong from me also fighting America AND the Soviets?!” So TR did both! And America was like “wow dad I see why you hate this guy” and then shenanigans ensued involving North Africa, Italy, Midway, and other fun stuff. But soon, Italy was out of the war and TR was looking weak. 

So the Allies were like “surrender we have you pinned” and TR was like “lol nah” and then America, GB, and Canada invaded occupied France. Canada famously beat TR over the head because Canada is a war goddess. Then they moved in and because the Soviets were just destroying TR in the east he didn’t have a lot of energy to spare for the three. France was revived, and each of them split. America went back to beating up Japan, Britain and France continued with the Soviets to finish TR off, and Canada went off to meet her future wife- I mean liberate the Benelux. 

But during that she did nurse the Netherlands back to health (I should probably write a comfort fic about just that.) and fell in love. Anyways TR died by self-oof and America dabbed on Japan twice so the Axis were dead. The Soviets went kinda evil and removed rights from various countries. Then North Korea tried to kill South Korea with Chinese and Soviet support so the UN said “I’m telling dad(s)!” (Who were America and GB) And then America, Canada, and the Netherlands (plus some other people but I don’t care about them) kicked the commies up and down the peninsula until China got involved. America wanted to nuke them but Canada was like “no you fucking moron that will start WW3” and so they just kinda stopped fighting. Then Canada got married to Holland (This is a NethCan fic fuck you) and they happily lived together until the modern day because Canada doesn’t get up to much else other than that one time they completely destroyed the Soviets at hockey


End file.
